Tag Archives: Your Minnesota Timberwolves

The final thread of Christmas sweater

Was it really so long ago?

Was it really so long ago?

Well, Wittman’s out.  McHale’s officially playing things out on the bench until Fred Hoiberg or Jim Stack can take over.  It’s been a long, strange 14 years, and now it’s almost over.  I’ll have a more proper tribute to the McHale Era of Wonderment when it finally closes, but for now I’ll just say this to the fruit salad that is the Timberwolves front office.

Get fucked.  All of you.  Please.


This damn team

Motherfuckers.  You’d think I would be used to disappointment, being a Timberwolves fan.  But it’s not even that they’re bad, it’s that they can’t close out.  A team approaching Thanksgiving with one win would not be as painful if they were getting blown out by superior teams every night.  But fuck, these have been games that even a halfway decent team could have won.  When most teams have a lead in the 4th quarter, they can at least hold on to it half the time.  Or one third of the time.  Or one fourth of the time.  But usually more than all of the times.

Fuck Randy Wittman.  Yeah, you somehow convinced this team to not give up last year when any group of reasonable individuals would have, but does that mean you have to start Jason Collins’ contract?  Fuck non-existent point guard.  Bassy can’t stay not in foul trouble long enough to start and Randy Foye is not a point guard and never will be.  Fuck Corey Brewer.  Dude, you aren’t good.  I want you to succeed, but you’re playing like someone who shouldn’t be on an NBA roster right now, let alone challenging for a starting spot.  Fuck Rashad McCants.  No, you suck.  Fuck Mike Miller.  De-fense?  Do those syllables ring a bell?  Fuck Craig Smith.  Being the funny short guy gets old when you’re one-dimensional ass hell and not good at that one dimension.  Fuck Ryan Gomes.  You can’t hold down a starting spot on THIS team?  Why would anyone want to sign you to a long-term contract?  Fuck Kevin Love.  Having one good game doesn’t mean you can take the next week off, and where are all these damn outlets I heard so much about?  Even fuck the Unstoppable Al Jefferson.  Why are you settling for these little J’s when you’re being triple-teamed?  Show some confidence in these jerks and they might make an important shot once in awhile.

I mean, shit.

Oh, hey Tony

What’s up?   Having a good . . . oh, okay, just drive to the hoop then.  Sure.  We’ll talk more later.

Okay, you’re back.  What was I thinking about?  Oh yeah, can you believe Obama won? I’m so exci . . . oh, there you go again, to the hoop.  Well then.

All righty, as I was saying, this is the first time I voted for someone I really believed in.  What about you?  Wait, can you even vote, being French and . . . okay, you’re driving by me again.

So, Tony, Eva couldn’t make it?  That’s too bad, you guys always seem like such a happy coup . . . SONOFABITCH where did Tim Duncan come from?  If I didn’t know any better, I would think you went by him to purposely run me into his body to free you up.  But that doesn’t make sense, we’re friends!

So, overtime.  Wow, I’d be getting tired if I weighed more than 115 pounds.  You’re not tired, are you Ton . . . I guess you’re not tired.

Hey Tony, I want to ask you something about France.  Is it true that women there can just walk around with their . . . wow, I didn’t even see you shoot it that time.

Another overtime?  Wow, this game’s going to go on forev . . . oh, that was a good shot, Tony.

Good game, Tone, it was so great getting to know you.  We should hang out again soon.

Well, there goes the Wolves season, again

Dont confuse me with Marbury out this bitch

Don't confuse me with Marbury out this bitch

Bassy suspended three games for arming himself in notoriously racist city.

To be honest, I forgot this was still hanging over him.  I’m also a little surprised he only got three games.  I guess David Stern doesn’t need to keep up with Roger Goodell that badly.

So that means Blake Ahearn may actually be forced to play.  Minnesota Timberwolves basketball: It’s a HOWL of a good time.

The Timberwolves season defined in one picture

Your 2008-09 Minnesota Timberwolves

Your 2008-09 Minnesota Timberwolves

Slightly better than last year’s defining image.  No, Gerald, I don’t think any of us knew what you were supposed to do with that either.

Wolves season ruined

Well that just tears it.  After shelling out big bucks for Wolves season tickets (don’t laugh,) I see this?  Jason Collins, the key to the entire Wolves turnaround, has been injured by a freak golf cart accident. Now he won’t be back until, like, the second week of the season.  All hope for the playoffs are lost!  And why was he golfing anyway?  Doesn’t he know we’re supposed to all give up golf until democracy has set all of the Iraqis free from Kim Jong Il or something?  What an elitist.

Some people have said that this might be alcohol-related, but I don’t buy that.  In defense of Collins, this was the golf cart.